IN CONTROL AGAIN (SORT OF)

I feel like I'm back in control again,and at the same time questioning my whole idea of happiness and having control.  See, the prozac is working.  I've leveled out and quit taking the Xanax (that was really screwing me up).  I figured out that I just can't drink coffee and take prozac, or I'll get jittery.  I've started back into exercising regularily, walking with a group of people from the Staple Club on weekends, and during the week, sometimes I walk at lunch with a friend.  I feel like my life is starting to come together in some sort of meaningful, functional pattern.

How far back do I go to explain how I got here over one short month?  Well, first of all, when I wrote that last entry, I was still trying to get out of that terrible depression.  I felt then like I was finally emerging from the awful cloud of depression that had been hanging over me for so long, but the medications were still screwing me up.  When I feel "not normal", I tend to withdraw like a wounded animal.  I hole up until I start to feel better.  I think I was doing that.  Well, that's not the way to handle not dealing well with your problems.  Especially when it's something that others can help with.  And I'm not talking about other people going out of their way to help -- I'm just talking about being around other people that are dealing with the same problems you are.

See, a friend of mine just had the surgery, and she dragged me out to this last Staple Club meeting (thanks, Sandie!).  I've been avoiding going, because I've been slipping (eating, gaining weight, not exercising, and depressed).  But she got me there this last time (a couple of weeks ago), and I'm so glad she did.  I got into the walking club (thanks, Bob!).  I started coming out of my shell.  By then I had figured out the coffee and prozac problem, so I was almost off the Xanax, and starting to feel back to normal again.  Getting out and around other people (and not just for work) helps.  I don't know why.  I don't know how.  I just know it does.

Maybe it goes back to me being a person that needs other people.  Maybe it has to do with exercise being no fun if it's just for exercise's sake -- but when it's getting together with other people and socializing, it's no longer just exercise.  I don't know why it's different now -- but I do know that it's changing my life.

Now, to the questioning part.  How is it that someone else can reach into my life and pull me back on my feet with a simple gesture, like Sandie and Bob have done?  Why is it that someone else can affect me so?  How can I think I have control when I give it up so easily?

Man, head games!  It's so hard to figure out what makes people tick -- if I can't understand my own psyche, how on earth do I expect to understand other people?  Or maybe nobody ever really figures it all out (or when they finally do, God calls their number!).

Sigh.

Well, I guess all I can really hope for is to get a handle on the physical part of my life.  Control my body.  Control my eating and exercise.  The mind will wander where it may, and I just hope it never goes off the charts!!
 
 

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